they published 3 really great pieces, imo, that are squarely in the james school of thought. though i do have to admit my thoughts about this have been changing lately.
Why You’re Lying When You Say ‘I Need a Break From Dating’
Thinking he’ll show up when you’re not looking
I hate this advice. It’s the romantic equivalent of “Don’t think of a white elephant.” If meeting a partner, lover, boyfriend, etc., is something you really want, you don’t stop looking. This makes no sense.
And yet, this is what women tell each other. Your friends tell you to stop looking, because “that’s exactly how they met their boyfriends.” Unfortunately, what they’re telling you is causally incorrect. It wasn’t the “not looking” that made it happen. It was the not needing, the not obsessing. Closing your eyes to what you really want is the worst idea ever. Quitting dating doesn’t make you better at dating, and certainly doesn’t help you meet people you could really like.
TRY THIS INSTEAD:
Engage, don’t obsess. Let go of your attachment to the idea of how things will or should turn out. That is what’s making you mental. When someone tells you she met the love of her life when she wasn’t even looking, she means she was living her life, not looking to the universe to fill a void. She wasn’t predicting doom or anticipating failure or hating herself for being single. As a result, she was able to be open and engage with other people without a white-knuckled need for This to Be the One.
That’s what you should be doing. When you care for yourself and focus on your life while you stay engaged and open to the people around you, connection becomes an option and a joy. It’s the difference between looking for someone to save you from your life—and looking for someone to share it with.
Dating isn’t nearly as hard as the story you tell yourself about it, and the pressure you heap on it. Two people can go on the same date at the same time, and the one who beats herself up more will have a far less satisfying time. The fun of dating comes from the sense of adventure—and a detachment from the outcome.
I know that seems counterintuitive when what you want IS the outcome (i.e., a wonderful relationship with someone who adores you), but it’s that very pressure that sabotages the dater. What you need isn’t a break from dating, but a break from the scary high expectations you have and your own harsh self-judgment.
TRY THIS INSTEAD:
Make connection, not perfection, the goal. Screw finding your soul mate on every date — this is a recipe for disappointment. Go into any and every interaction, whether it’s a formal date or not, with an air of adventure and curiosity. What can you learn about this person, and yourself, in the process? How does it feel to connect with other people, to flirt with them and enjoy their company, regardless of what may follow?
Graduates, Here’s What You Need to Know About Dating Post-College
People Are Gonna Have Shitty Apartments.
You’ll probably spend at least one night in the next five years on an air mattress, next to a plastic box from the Container store that’s doubling as a night stand, lying awake to the sound of an old man’s phlegmy cough, in some distant, distant part of the city. (But it will probably be worth it, even if you do have to use the map feature on your phone the next morning to find out where the heck you are.)
You’re Going to Be Broke.
You thought you were broke in college, and maybe you were — except you probably also had a nice enough dorm room, an all-you-can-eat cafeteria, and a social life consisting mostly of free parties and campus events.
Now, you have an adult job, but also rent to pay, groceries to buy, and bar tabs to settle. And most, if not all, of your friends are in the same boat.
When it comes to dating, the early-twenties are a tricky time. Guys may be used to the idea of paying for their dates’ meals and drinks and tickets, but it’s possible that the guys you date after college literally cannot afford to be chivalrous. Which is fine, because it’s 2013, and you’re more than able to step up to the plate.
If you’re seeing someone, alternate on splitting the bill — one day he gets it, and one day you get it. Stick to cheaper restaurants (falafel can be romantic!), pre-game when you’re going out (sharing a flask can be romantic!) and be on the lookout for free events, like book readings, free museum days, gallery opens, etc. (Frugality can be romantic!)
Survey Finds Cheating Via Text Is Worse Than Cheating in Real Life
So what is “cheating,” and what is not? The answer, of course, is purely subjective, and depends on the comfort level of each person in the relationship. Still, it’s always good to know what everyone else thinks.
And thus the Huffington Post, in partnership with YouGov, set out to poll 1,000 U.S. adults about what they consider to be adulterous behavior. Here are some highlights of the findings:
- 60% say it’s cheating if you form a “deep emotional connection” with someone else.
- 48% would consider it cheating if their partner kissed someone else on the lips.
- 24% said messaging an ex on Facebook equals cheating.
- 24% would consider it cheating if their partner went to a strip club.
- 79% of respondents said sending sexy texts or photos to someone else is cheating.
Yes, you read that right — less than a quarter of people have NO PROBLEM with their partners going to strip clubs, but almost 80% say it’s cheating if you send someone sexy texts. And many of the people who said it’s cheating to text someone DON’T think it’s cheating if you kiss someone else on the lips.